


Six Feet Under the Stars

by smol_chilli_pepper



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Based on an All Time Low Song, Best Friends, Bonfires, Complete, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Drabble, Exsistentialism, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of alcohol, One Shot, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, References to Depression, Songfic, Stargazing, Summer, Teenagers, beach, end of summer, pretentious af, teenage angst, written in 2015
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-14 07:36:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10531866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smol_chilli_pepper/pseuds/smol_chilli_pepper
Summary: The night was beautiful but he couldn’t stop staring at the boy next to him, all in black a galaxy on his own





	

**Author's Note:**

> If for some reason this story looks familiar as though you've seen it on tumblr before, don't worry its actually mine. I'm reposting this heavily edited version here

Phil didn’t know why he was there when he wasn’t in the mood for social interaction of any kind. He was irritable, moody and just simply bored. If he were being honest, he would rather be at home face first in a tub of ice cream pining over a boy who would never love him back. But alas he wasn’t in the security of his room, he was instead sat in a booth with his long legs squished under the table at a dingy pizza restaurant near the docks, trying to avoid the sight of his best friend looking gooey eyed at his girlfriend. Maybe he was a masochist he thought with a sigh, mournfully nibbling at his pepperoni pizza. He squirmed against the cracked leather of the seat pouting.

“Hey Phil, what’s wrong?” said best friend asked noticing his sour mood.

“I’m fine Dan” he replied not hiding just how not fine he was “I just don’t think I’m in the mood for a bonfire tonight that’s all”

“Don't worry, it’s going to be fun.” Dan’s girlfriend Jade spoke up, brushing her long dark hair out of her face and smiling broadly up at him “and besides it’s such a beautiful night”

“Yeah and summer’s almost over don’t you want to make memories” Dan added sealing Phil’s fate.

Instead of answering, Phil quietly stirred his coke and took a sip, his eyes meeting Dan’s an encouraging grin on his features. Even in the dim lighting, he looked gorgeous in his black t-shirt and leather jacket. Phil’s heart squeezed painfully when he broke his gaze to look back at Jade. Yep, he definitely was a masochist. They paid and left into the cool night heading towards where the bonfire was going to be.

Phil quickly felt like the third wheel. He was walking a few steps behind the couple, glaring at their backs. He envied how easily Dan had his arm around her tall, slender frame and how he held her closer when she shivered. They were like reflections of each other when one moved the other moved as well. They were perfect, they fit. He knew for an entire year but it still hurt. He truly understood why they were together. They had so much in common, she understood his humour and she seemed to understand him better than most people; almost better than Phil himself. Jade was also heartbreakingly pretty. She was of Chinese descent with dark roasted coffee coloured eyes set above high cheekbones, a small flat nose and pink pouty lips. How could he possibly compete with that?

  
He’d never admit it to her out loud but Jade was right, the night  _was_ beautiful. The bright stars were set on a backdrop of the blue-black night sky in sporadic patternless clusters. The moon that hung between the stars was pale and uninviting but gave it’s light nonetheless. A chilled breeze blew carrying the scent of the sea on it ruffling his raven hair and causing him to shiver slightly even in his hoodie. 

When they arrived at the sandy beach, Jade stopped briefly to take off her short pink heels holding onto Dan for support. When she straightened up, he suddenly took her hand interlacing their fingers and kissed the back of her hand making her look down shyly a blush colouring her cheeks.

“You’re so cute when you do that” he teased, a small smile creeping onto his face.

“Shut up,” she said laughing and pushed his shoulder to hide the fact that she was blushing even harder. She cutely turned away hiding her face in the sleeve of her sweater.

  
“Come'on I’ll carry you” He offered her his back a huge grin on his face and laughing suddenly when she jumped on it hugging his neck and kissing his cheek her pink summer dress riding up slightly. The whole exchange looked so intimate Phil didn’t know if to turn away.

Phil cleared his throat feeling slightly guilty for interrupting their little moment. They both stared at him as if suddenly realising he was still there. _Why_ _bother_ _insisting_ _that_ _I come_ _if_ _you're_ _only_ _going_ _to_ _pretend_ _I don't_ _exist?_ he thought bitterly. “So um who else is going to be there?” Phil asked out loud.

They started walking inwards, Phil on the couple's left. A few feet in and they were already on the water, the waves crashing dangerously close to his shoes, he jumped back a little.

“A few people from school I guess” Dan wheezed slightly, eyebrows furrowing a little from exertion. Jade wasn’t exactly light but then again Dan was the most unfit person he knew.

“There’s going to be alcohol though” Jade piped up from Dan’s back. That sounded good to Phil, he was tired of being sober, to be honest. Maybe this bonfire would be good after all.  
  


\----

Phil smelled the bonfire before he saw it. The unmistakable scent of smoke and ash, slightly pungent was carried on the salty sea air. An unknown song was playing on a radio. When they got closer he picked up the pace with Dan following suit. When they arrived there were about ten people already there most of them already drunk. He greeted everyone with a general ‘good night’ and sank down onto a log warming his icy hands by the fire. The heat felt good on his face and he hoped in the back of his mind that he wasn’t sitting too close to the fire. His eyes shifted to the right and saw that Dan and Jade were already sat side by side on a blanket that someone spread out, talking quietly to each other him laughing at something she said ever so often.

Alright, it’s about time he got that alcohol. After an awkward conversation and haggling with a drunk dude in beads, he secured some, took a swig and closed his eyes as the liquid burned it’s way down his throat. He didn’t even care that he didn’t know anyone else there anymore, the alcohol was doing its job. After one cup of vodka and three shots of something that made his head spin, he was properly hammered.

Phil laid directly down on the sand not caring that the sand was getting everywhere and stared up at the stars. The hoodie he was wearing was starting to feel hot but he didn’t want to move, he was too entranced. The stars seemed so different now that he was laid back and actually looking at them. Through the haze of alcohol he could’ve sworn he saw what Van Gogh saw; the sky  _wasn't_ stagnant it seemed to move with a kind of energy. It was breathtaking.

Phil heard movement to his right and turned his face to see Dan settling beside him cradling a dark bottle to his chest.

“Woah, where did you get that?” Phil question squinting at the label that marked it as Jägermeister “Aren’t those really expensive?”

“Some guy raided his parents' liquor cabinet. I don’t even think he knew its worth” Dan grinned at him looking a bit tipsy and handing him the bottle.

“Or maybe they were trying to spite them?” He sat up, took a drink and almost spit it out. Dan laughed beside him.

“Don’t like it huh?” He asked swallowing some more when the bottle was passed back to him.

“It’s just …gross” he started, making a face “like really herbal, minty, sweet tar”

“It gets better the more you drink” he ensured him “besides we don’t drink for the flavour, we drink for the way it makes us feel”

Phil gingerly took another sip, this one better than the last. The alcohol buzzed through his body all the way to his fingertips as he handed over the bottle once more. He hoped he didn’t sound too slurred. Then he remembered. “Where’s Jade?”

“She fell asleep” he answered looking over his shoulder to where she slept curled near the fire on the blanket where they were seated not too long ago. He stared at him in the dark. The light from the fire behind them cast shadows across his face making his expression indiscernible, and his brown soft hair was tousled in equal parts by the wind and by Dan’s own fussing. He almost reached out to smooth it down for him but stopped in his tracks when warm mahogany eyes locked with his a smile ghosting his lips. He tried to play it off, nervously fussing with his hair dusting the sand that was in it. 

Before the tension became too much Dan broke eye contact and laid down on the grainy sand, eyes staring upward. “Do you ever wonder what’s the point of everything?” He asked suddenly.

“What do you mean?” Phil asked looking down at him curiously, stilling his hand.

“I don’t know.“He sighed “It’s just that, we go through life. We live, we make the best of it as we can and then we die. But what’s the point if we’re gonna die anyway.”

Phil wasn’t sure what to say, feeling wholly unprepared for this conversation he suddenly found himself in. Dan was drunk but that didn’t make his concerns any less real. “Well you’re here right now aren’t you? So you just have to try to be as happy as possible in whatever time you have”

“Yeah, but can’t you see Phil? In as little as three generations I’ll be forgotten, no one would know I existed. A drop in the ocean, a sliver of ice in a galaxy. Just a blip in the grand scheme of things.” Dan expressed his hand reaching high above him, any signs of being under the influence of alcohol completely absent from his face.

“The world is fucked up and it's all going to hell but on nights like this I can’t help but feel like maybe it’s not so ugly after all.” He scoffed “God I sound pretentious”

“No you don’t, I was thinking the same thing.” Phil replied and then chuckled “maybe I’m pretentious too”

They laughed heady from the alcohol, everything seeming funnier than it actually is, and Dan started up again. “You know millions of years from now nothing that matters today would matter then and further than that the earth itself would be gone as well. No one matters. I don’t matter”

“You do matter.” Phil told him laying down next to him, head to head “maybe not in the grand scheme of things. But you do matter…to a lot of people and definitely to me”

They laid in silence for a while the bonfire crackling behind them, someone pulled out a guitar and was playing something that sounded vaguely like the acoustic version of an All Time Low song. The night was beautiful but he couldn’t stop staring at the boy next to him, all in black a galaxy on his own. That was when he decided, he was going to tell him, this was it. He was tired of holding it in, of suffering in silence. He would tell him, knowing full well that there was a 99.999% chance of rejection and that it would probably hurt like hell when their friendship changed but he couldn’t take it anymore he needed to say it before they both sobered up and he lost all of his courage. He opened his mouth only to close it again when he saw the tears in Dan’s eyes and a grim smile on his lips. “What’s wrong?” He asked alarmed. Dan said nothing he only laughed wiping his eyes. Phil was getting worried maybe he had enough to drink taking the bottle from Dan’s hand the other obliging.

“Its nothing,” he said when he caught himself “It’s just that I was thinking that I’m so lucky.” Phil only stared as Dan continued “I just feel like for the first time in a long time everything is alright. I have you and I have Jade and things have been getting better with me and my dad and I’m not so sad anymore you know. In fact, I’m happy.” He faced Phil with tears in his eyes.

“It’s just that I feel like something bad is going to happen. Like the universe building you up only to tear you back down. I don’t know what but-”

“Dan, I love you” Phil blurted out.

Dan was silent for a moment before he answered slowly. “I love you too Phil”

“No Dan. I. Love. You.” He said as earnestly as he could reaching up to wipe away the tears on the other’s cheek, recoiling when saw Dan’s expression. He looked so fierce something akin to anger behind his eyes. The cool wind blowing his hair but he didn’t bother to fuss.

“Is this some kind of a joke?” He asked coldly raising up looking over at Phil.

“No. Dan I really do-”

“Yeah, I heard you. You love me.” His harsh words felt like a slap to face. He didn’t know he could be like this, that he would be like this. “Why are you telling me this now? Is that why you’ve been treating Jade the way you have?”

“What? No. I’ve always been nice to Jade.” His voice rising slightly as he scrambled to sit up.

“That’s not what she’s been telling me, Phil. I thought she was imagining things but now I’m not so sure” he stated an edge to his voice.

“I- I needed to tell you. I’ve loved you for so long. It’s killing me Dan” he knew he was progressively digging his grave deeper and deeper but he couldn’t stop “Dan I-”

Dan spoke, cutting him off but softening his tone. “Why are you saying this now Phil? When I have a girlfriend when I’m happy. What about all of the time before that? You had so many chances. You know me. We’ve been best friends since forever why now?”

Phil didn’t know how to answer that. He could ask himself the same question. Why now? Why did he feel the need to ruin everything? Was he really that self-destructive? Before he realised it himself, his breathing became laboured and he suddenly felt hot, the tension burned like a fire searing his skin. Everything was hot, he took off his hoodie trying to ease it. His heart was racing and he still couldn’t can’t catch his breath. He was lightheaded. He thought that he might die right there on the spot and maybe that won’t be so bad.

  
“I used to be in love with you too, you know” Dan whispered almost to himself. Phil held his breath his heart pounding in his ears. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, <i>Dan loved him?</i>. He tried not to let the use of past tense get to him.

Phil stood up and wobbled, the alcohol still numbing some of his movement. He stretched and dusted off his jeans.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked guarded.

“Going for a swim” Phil answered taking off his lion t-shirt like it was the most normal thing in the world.

“Why?” Dan asked incredulously leaning back on his hands.

“Cause we’re at the beach and I want to make memories,” he said hoping to take off his shoes and unzipping his jeans. Dan rolled his eyes, whispered fuck it and joined Phil. They decided to keep on their boxers and ran into the water before either could get embarrassed.

The water was surprisingly warm as Phil ducked his head under it holding his breath for as long as he could not ready to face Dan just yet. When he couldn’t hold it any longer he rose up spluttering, blinking the salt water out of his eyes and rubbing his face repeatedly. Looking out to shore he saw that the bonfire was dying down and everyone was either passed out or clustered around the guy with guitar as close to the dying fire as they could get without setting themselves ablaze. He wasn’t sure what time it was but it felt late (or early depending on how you looked at it). It was probably around three in the morning, they should head home. He turned to Dan to voice his thoughts and locked eyes with him a smile spreading on both of their faces.

“I know things are a bit awkward right now” Phil stated, Dan, nodded in agreement “but I still want to be your best friend”

“Me too”

It wasn’t fair, Phil thought to himself. When he looked at Dan dripping hair and tanned skin paling in the moonlight he wondered how was he was ever expected to get over someone like him; he didn’t think it was possible but he also didn’t think it was fair to Jade. She didn’t deserve heartbreak when Phil had his chance all those times before so he decided that he would never bring this up again and suffer silently. He also thought in the back of his mind a little guiltily that Dan and Jade weren’t set in stone. Anything could happen, and it often did. This little hope nestled in his heart as he stared at the boy made of stars, a galaxy on his own, the water making constellations on his skin. And it was then he decided that he would give him his heart and let him tear him apart because that was a small price to pay for a lifetime of staring at such a heavenly view.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this please leave comments and kudos, and if you didn't still leave a comment because feedback gives me life. Originally written on a whim in 2015 but for some reason, I can't bring myself to delete it


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